Saving You, Saving Me
by MyJediLife
Summary: Ben Solo is an alcoholic med school dropout. Working with his best friend, Poe Dameron, as a Paramedic in Hanna City has given him a way to fund his addiction to alcohol - but he finds his life is empty. Until the day he saves the life of a college student, and he finds meaning to life again... and love. Now, if only she would wake up so he could talk to her.
1. Water Rescue

Ben Solo leaned against the bumper of his rig, drinking the last of his coffee as he watched his partner, Poe Dameron, gobble down the last of a bag of Doritos. "That shit is going to kill you, Dameron," he remarked, shaking his head and rolling his eyes as Poe balled up the bag and tossed it into a trash can before throwing his hands up in the air and proclaiming, "Three points! Yes!"

"Yeah, well, your fifth of whiskey a day habit is gonna kill you, Solo. Guess that makes us even," Poe replied, his eyes looking out over the beach. This was their normal spot to decompress on a shift when they got some down time between runs. Life in Hanna City was always in motion, which meant they were busy for most of their twenty-four hour shifts. Luckily, they were both single, which meant that on their days off they could do whatever the hell they wanted. For Poe, that generally meant hooking up with whatever girl he'd been chatting up that week, and for Ben, that meant drinking himself into oblivion and sleeping.

Real exciting stuff.

Both their radios came to life at the same time. "Unit nine, unit nine, we have a MVA with water rescue at the junction of Highway 17 and Beach Drive. One female victim, CPR is ongoing."

Ben eyed Poe, "C'mon, Dameron... another day in paradise!" he said, before hopping into the passenger side of the rig, keying up his radio as Poe got in and put the rig onto the road as quickly as he could, hitting the button to activate the lights and siren. "Unit nine responding to MVA. ETA three minutes."

….

Rey was so pissed.

This was the third time this week that Jessika Pava had called off work, meaning that Rey, as the manager, had to work a double shift and close by herself. Tonight was pizza and movie night with her roomies, Finn and Rose, and she had a ten page paper due on the newest therapies for bovine cardiomyopathy due at the end of the week.

She was stressed to the max, it was her senior year of her undergrad degree, and if she didn't keep her grades up she would never get into vet school.

Rose, of course, didn't even have to crack a book to get a 4.0 in her engineering classes, and Finn – well, Finn was getting by. Rey knew he would make an amazing social worker when he was done – he had a passion for helping kids that had been in the same situation that they had been in.

Her phone started ringing in her purse, and Rey reached over to pluck it out. Her fingers decided to be uncooperative, however, sending her phone flying onto the floor on the passenger side of her car. "Fuck!" Rey shouted, slamming her palm into the wheel as she glared down at the phone.

Rey had always heard that at the time of your death you see your life flash before your eyes. She didn't have much of a life growing up, though, so the only thoughts as her eyes went back to the road in time to see her car skidding towards the guardrail was of Finn, Rose, and a sincere hope that they would remember to feed Phasma, the Golden Retriever she had adopted in her sophomore year.

The car plowed through the guardrail, sliding down the embankment, the airbag deploying as the car hit the still frigid waters of Lake Hanna, glass from the shattered windshield raining down in the interior of the car like millions of rainbow razors. Rey's vision turned red as blood started to run into her eyes, and a low moan escaped her lips as her eyes closed, her last thought being of Finn and Rose as she slipped into unconsciousness.

…

Pulling onto the scene three minutes later, Poe barely had the rig stopped before Ben had his door open, hopping out onto the side of the road as he surveyed the scene. The small subcompact car was resting in the water of Lake Hanna with just the top of the roof showing. Going around the rig to the back, Ben threw the doors open, grabbing his bag with the AED and everything he would need to treat the victim, not waiting for Poe to grab the stretcher before he was on the move, running towards where he could see the police, one of them doing compressions furiously on someone.

Ben had gotten halfway through medical school before he dropped out, and he knew damn well that time was of the essence when dealing with a near drowning. If the woman had sustained any damage to her brain, that would reduce the amount of time they had to act – and the fact that CPR was already in progress didn't make her prognosis that great coming out of the gate. Still, it was his job to save lives, and as he got to where the victim lie, he pushed his way through the tangle of officers standing around, kneeling down next to the woman as he did a quick visual assessment of her injuries.

Looking up at the police officer pumping her chest, Ben growled, "Stop the compressions for a moment, let me take over." The man complied, and Ben watched the woman's chest, looking for the rise and fall that meant she was breathing. Seeing none, he proceeded to check the carotid artery on her neck, feeling for a pulse. Nothing.

Grabbing a pair of bandage scissors out of the pocket on his uniform pants, Ben cut the woman's shirt open, quickly applying the patches for the AED as Poe made his appearance at his side. "Get the line started in her, Poe, we're gonna need to push some Amiodarone stat." Poe nodded, already working on finding a suitable vein in the woman's arm.

After getting the AED powered up, Ben waited for the mechanical voice to give him the prompt to hit the button to deliver the shock to her heart, looking at Poe to make sure he wasn't touching her. Giving Ben a slight nod to signal he was clear, Ben hit the button, watching the woman's chest rise and fall as the AED delivered a shock to her heart. Reaching down, he checked her carotid once more, a small smile coming to his lips as he felt a pulse. It was weak and thready, but it was _there_, and before he could check to see if she was breathing again, she let out a wet cough, water cascading from her mouth and splashing on the ground.

"Poe, we need to get her on her side. I'll hold her neck in place while you roll her," Ben said, Poe already in motion, grabbing Rey's side and looking up at Ben, who had his hands gently on both sides of her neck to hold it in place. "One, two, three," Ben said, and on the count of three, Poe rolled her onto her side, both men watching as more water left her throat and another wet cough escaped her lips.

Looking around, Ben lifted his chin at the nearest cop. "You! Get me the backboard from our rig. It's orange, hanging on the right hand side!" The officer nodded, turning and running back to the ambulance. Looking at Poe, Ben said, "Grab the c-collar out of the bag, let's get it on her so we can get a line in her finally and get the hell out of here." Poe retrieved the plastic collar a moment later, placing it around the woman's neck and gently velcroing it in place after Ben moved his hands. The officer returned with the backboard, and Ben placed it under Rey so that they could easily roll her onto it on her back.

Poe set to work starting an IV, while Ben replaced the AED patches with one from the heart monitor in his bag, so that they could monitor her heart rhythm on the way to the hospital. Watching the small digital screen, he was happy to see that she was in a normal sinus rhythm now, and so he set to work taking her vitals, frowning as he noted her temperature. Looking up at one of the officers, he asked, "How long was she under the water?"

"Not long," the man replied. "There was another vehicle behind her, a Good Samaritan went in the water and got her out within a couple minutes."

Ben nodded. "Thanks, we're taking her to Regency."

Poe was getting the woman's information from another officer, and Ben continued to monitor her, not liking the fact that she had also become hypothermic from the frigid water. Grabbing a metallic survival blanket from his bag, he wrapped it around the woman, adding several other blankets on top of it as well.

Finally looking at her face and really taking it in, Ben felt his breath hitch in his throat.

_She looks like Sarah. For fuck's sake._

Ben reached out, touching the woman's face softly before tucking the blanket around her tighter.

"Alright, Solo. I got the girl's info. Her name is Rey Sands, twenty-four years old. Cops got her phone, so they will contact her family. Let's get her in the rig… you okay?"

Ben pulled his eyes away from the woman's – Rey's –face, looking at his best friend and nodding. "Yeah, I'm good. Let's get her in the rig and to Regency."

They loaded her into the rig quickly, the readout on the small screen telling Ben that her vitals were holding, and her temperature was rising slowly. As he settled into the small jumpseat next to the stretcher and pulled out the tablet to start charting the run, he felt Poe pull away from the scene, the siren and lights coming on as he accelerated.

Ben's eyes kept going to Rey's face though, and he ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment.

_So what if she kinda looks like Sarah? Don't be a dumb fuck, Solo. She's just another run, just another life you helped save._

Somehow, Ben knew that wasn't true. Opening his eyes, he looked down at Rey, pushing a piece of blood encrusted hair off her forehead.

_Just don't die, okay? You need to live._

He was going to need more than a fifth of whiskey tomorrow when he got home, for sure.


	2. Lovers &Madmen Have Such Seething Brains

Ben Solo was as drunk as he had ever been, and still he couldn't get _her_ out of his head. Lifting the glass to his lips, Ben was disappointed to find that only half melted ice remained, which meant he'd have to get off the couch to get more whiskey. Shit.

"Oh, FUCK IT!" He yelled into the air at absolutely nothing, throwing his glass against the wall, where it shattered into a thousand pieces. The television was on, a movie from when he was about fourteen playing as he watched it with eyes that weren't really seeing much of anything. Numbness was the name of the game for him today – because it was his day off, damn it – and he could do as he pleased.

"That's right, FUCKERS! I have the day off, and I. AM. DRUNK!" Ben shouted, not caring if the people living in the other half of the duplex heard him or not.

Standing, Ben laughed as the room spun momentarily, reminding his alcohol-riddled brain of one of those Merry-Go-Rounds from his elementary school playgrounds. "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" He said, flinging his arms outward, which caused him to lose his balance and fall to the floor, his glass and wood coffee table bearing the brunt of his weight with a loud crash. "Oh, shit. I fell. Benny go boom." Ben giggled, finding that crawling towards his goal was far easier than trying to stand. Unfortunately, this meant crawling through shards of glass, leaving his hands and knees cut and bleeding by the time he reached the counter in his small kitchen.

Reaching up with one bloodied hand, Ben somehow managed to pull himself up to a standing position, his face splitting into a grin as he saw the half full bottle of whiskey resting on the counter. A pout came to his lips when he realized he had shattered his favorite glass, the pout quickly fading as he grabbed the bottle and somehow managed to pull the top off and get it to his lips.

He didn't need a damn glass. He'd drink straight from the bottle.

…

"Goddamnit, Solo."

Ben opened his eyes halfway, trying to focus on the voice of the person kneeling beside him.

"Dameron, you asshole. Leave me the fuck alone. It's our day off," Ben groaned out, his words slurring as he spoke.

Poe's voice was clearly annoyed as he answered his best friend, "I would be leaving you alone, if you weren't a fucking drunk. You were supposed to go to your Mom's today for a family dinner. When you didn't answer your phone or the door, they called me. Come on, Solo. Don't make me drag your ass into your bed. Stand the fuck up, let me help you."

"No. I was fine sleeping here. Leave me alone." Ben threw his arm out, hoping to slap Poe so he would leave, so he could go back to sleep.

"You're laying on your kitchen floor in a pool of blood, asshole. Come on!" Poe grabbed Ben's arm, forcing him to sit up. "Ben! Come on!"

"FINE!" Ben yelled, trying to get to his feet, but finding he couldn't as his feet slipped in the still drying blood on the floor. His eyes opened wider as he took in the mess, looking up at Poe, his eyes wide with surprise. "Shit, is that blood? Did you hit me or something?"

Poe sighed, shaking his head sadly. Grabbing Ben's arm, he threw it across his shoulders, helping his best friend into his bed, his eyes worried as he watched Ben start snoring almost immediately. Going to the bed, Poe rolled Ben onto his side in case he threw up before setting a trash can right next to the bed. This wasn't his first time rescuing Ben Solo from himself, and Poe was certain it wouldn't be his last.

…

Muted sunlight streamed through the window, and Ben slowly came awake. His mouth felt like someone had shoved a whole bag of cotton balls in it, and his eyes simply didn't want to focus as he rolled onto his back with a low groan.

_You are such a loser, Solo. You got a perfect score on your entrance exams for undergrad school, and a near perfect score on your med school entrance tests – and every chance you get, you want to kill off all those brain cells with whiskey._

"Shut up," Ben mumbled to himself as he sat up rather gingerly, wincing at the pounding in his temples. The change in position made his stomach heave violently, and Ben emptied its contents into the trash can next to his bed, wiping his mouth afterwards and deciding to test the waters by standing slowly.

So far, so good. The room didn't spin, and with this renewed sense of balance, Ben made his way slowly to his bathroom, where he took the time to scratch his ass while he relieved himself in the toilet. After flushing and washing his hands, he headed out to his living room, one brow rising as he surveyed the damage.

_Oh well. I hated that coffee table anyways._

Plopping onto the couch, Ben sighed and grabbed the remote, trying to find something to watch until he found the energy to open another bottle of whiskey. The girl's face flashed in his mind briefly, and Ben found himself once again wondering how she was doing. Did she survive?

Running a hand through his mussed, somewhat greasy hair, Ben looked around for his cellphone, knowing there was one way to find out. Unfortunately, it involved contacting Armitage Hux, which was not his favorite thing in the world to do.

Finding his phone nestled deep in the cushion of his couch, Ben sighed audibly as he pulled up Hux's contact information.

_-Hello, Dr. Hux._ Ben typed out slowly, his hands shaking making it hard for him to type on his phones small screen.

_-Solo. Somehow I knew I would be hearing from you._ Armitage Hux's reply came sooner than Ben expected, and damn it if he couldn't hear the ginger's clipped accent in his head as he read his reply.

_-Hux, I need a favor. Please._ Ben sighed as he typed his response. He and Armitage Hux had a _difficult_ relationship since day one, but he was the only person who would understand why Ben needed his help.

_-I saw her. I figured you would contact me when I saw your name on the report. I'm shocked it's so soon though. Isn't it your day off? You should be deep in your cups, destroying your furniture or whatever it is you drunks do for fun._ Ben let out a low groan of frustration, wanting to throw his phone across the room and drink the rest of his whiskey, so he didn't have to think about the girl. Rey.

_-Hux, you know why I need to see her. She looks just like her. I… I need to see her. Please. I know you can help. I wouldn't ask otherwise. _Ben's hands were shaking even more now as the alcohol content in his blood lowered further.

_-I could lose my medical license for this, but fine, Solo. Only because… you know. Do you still have the book, or do I need to leave my copy in her room?_ Ben breathed a sigh of relief at Hux's response. He was going to help, and Ben would owe him big time for this.

_-I have it. Thanks, Armie._ Ben looked around the room for a moment, wondering if he could make it the rest of the day without a drink, his phone beeping a moment later with another message.

_-You are welcome, Solo. If you are not completely sober, or if you cause a scene, I will have you forcibly removed and banned – do you understand? Room 223. Her brother and his girlfriend leave around 16:30 every day, so he can go to work. Nurse Kenobi will assist you if needed. Solo – you know what her Glasgow was when you brought her in. That hasn't changed._ Ben chewed on his lip for a moment after reading the text. Rey was obviously still comatose – Ben knew how ill she was – but her face haunted him while he slept, while he was awake… all the time.

_-I know. I'll be sober. Thanks, Hux. Will you… let me know if her condition changes?_

_-I will, Solo… You know I loved her too. That's the only reason I am agreeing to this._

_-I know. Thanks._

Ben threw his phone down, running a hand through his hair. His eyes were pulled to the bookcase across the room. He knew exactly what the book looked like, how the pages felt in his fingers as he thumbed through it. He could almost recite the story within from memory.

Standing and finding that the room stayed still for him, he crossed the room to the bookcase, pulling the treasured book from its place on the shelf. Taking a deep breath, he opened the tome, avoiding looking at the inside of the front cover. He knew the writing there intimately, and the name there was engraved on his soul – yet he couldn't bear to look at it. There were some wounds that even his skills as a paramedic could never heal. Skimming through the pages, he nodded his head softly, knowing his plan was one he had to follow through on.

He would read it to Rey, of course. It was the only thing he could do, and he hoped that someday soon, she would open her eyes and respond to him.

…

Ben took a sip from the flask in his pocket as he put his car into park in the lot at the hospital, looking around to see if anyone had taken notice. Seeing no one about, he guzzled even more from it before tucking it into the backpack on the passenger seat of his car. He had tried his best to get through the rest of the day without drinking, but when his hands started shaking so badly he couldn't hold the remote to the television anymore, he knew he had to have a drink.

One drink had turned into four, of course, and now he was here, and Rey was just inside and two floors above him, and he found himself desperate to see her.

"Jesus, Ben, what kind of fucking idiot are you? You don't even know this girl… she was just a damn run… you were doing your damn job, and now you're all _obsessed_. She's not Sarah, you asshole. She's just a girl." Ben shook his head, closing his eyes and beating his palms against the wheel of his car. What the hell was he doing anyways, besides driving drunk and just asking to get pulled over again?

Her face, though. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her face, bloodied and bruised, and he knew he had to do this. He had to help her wake up. Rey Sands had to live. Ben was going to help her.

…

Ben somehow managed to get to the second floor and to the nurses station in the Neuro ICU without incident. One of the nurses looked up at him, a smile on her face, and Ben tried desperately to remember the name of the nurse Hux had told him to ask for. Kanady? No – Kenobi. Nurse Kenobi.

Licking his lips, Ben asked, "I need to speak to Nurse Kenobi. My name is Ben Solo – Dr. Hux told me to ask for her."

The young woman's smile widened, her voice far too cheerful as she answered, "I'm Kayla Kenobi. Yes, Dr. Hux told me you'd be coming to see 223." Kayla lowered her voice, leaning forward and whispering, "Her family is gone. Go right in, and let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Ben nodded, his heart thumping away in his chest as he turned, his eyes seeking out the plastic plates outside the doors for the one that said 223. Looking around with one last glance after he spotted the one he was looking for, Ben stepped inside the small room, his eyes finally resting on Rey's still form. She had tubes and wires all over, monitoring her for any tiny anomaly that could mean a change in her condition. He had expected her skin to be pale from blood loss, but instead she had a sun-kissed complexion, even in the dim fluorescent lighting of the hospital room.

Setting his backpack on one of the chairs beside the bed, Ben stood beside her, finally reaching out with a shaking hand to push back a piece of hair from her forehead. "Hi, Rey," Ben said, his voice quiet and shaky as he finally spoke to the woman who had been haunting his dreams since her accident three days ago.

"Um, my name is Ben. I know this is probably really weird," Ben let out a laugh, shaking his head before continuing, "But I am the Paramedic who brought you to the hospital after your accident, and I haven't been able to_ not_ think about you since then. I'm really not a creeper, I promise… but if you'd just wake up, you'd see that… so can you try, please? Maybe, just, I don't know, fight a little harder, Rey? I… I just… you have to live, okay? Maybe sometime I'll tell you why."

Ben reached down, touching Rey's hand gently, his thumb smoothing over the skin of her wrist before he settled himself into one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs beside the bed. Reaching into the backpack, Ben withdrew his flask, glancing outside to make sure no one was watching before he uncapped it, taking a long swallow before capping it once more and placing it back in his bag.

Next, he plucked a book from the bag, cracking it open to a page he had marked earlier. Looking over at Rey, Ben smirked, his voice low as he said, "I hope you like Shakespeare. A Midsummer Night's Dream was one of our – I mean – is one of my favorites."

"Act I, Scene i: Athens. The palace of Theseus. Enter Theseus, Hippolyta, Philostrate, with Others. Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws on apace. Four happy days bring in another moon; but, methinks, how slow this old moon wanes! She lingers my desires, like to a stepdame, or a dowager, long withering out a young man's revenue…"


	3. The course of love never did run smooth

Ben had fallen into a comfortable routine over the last three weeks. On days he and Poe worked, he would stop into the hospital on their lunch break, even if it only meant reading to Rey for five or ten minutes. He knew he was there, and that was what was important to him.

Poe, of course, thought Ben was insane – but his best friend had noticed one important fact. With Ben's new… _hobby_… his fifth of whiskey a day habit had decreased to a half of fifth a day. Ben simply didn't want to take the chance of losing out on the opportunity to read to Rey. It was important to him – for reasons that only he and Armitage Hux seemed to know.

While Ben was reading to Rey on their break, that gave Poe a chance to flirt with the nurses – and lately Kayla Kenobi had been his target. Yes, Ben could have his little project – but so could Poe. At least his was awake and talking to him.

Poe had to admit though, Rey – even in her comatose state – was _good_ for Ben. It gave him a purpose besides drinking himself to oblivion every chance he got. Even his parents seemed to notice the change in their middle son. Poe could only hope that when she woke up, she would somehow find the fact that a complete stranger had been reading Shakespeare to her every chance he got was endearing instead of creepy.

…

Ben's voice was a soft whisper as he read to Rey in the dimly lit room on his lunch break of a rather draining day. His hands were shaking, and he knew he was going to need a drink from his flask before they left the hospital.

He was a pathetic drunk, he knew that in his soul. He could only hope that if –_when_ – he mentally corrected himself, Rey woke up, she would give him a reason to live again, a reason more than drinking the next fifth.

"Theseus: Take time to pause; and, by the next new moon-The sealing-day betwixt my love and me, For everlasting bond of fellowship-Upon that day either prepare to die. For disobedience to your father's will, Or else to wed Demetrius, as he would; Or on Diana's altar to protest, For aye austerity and single life."

A tap on the window brought Ben's attention to where Poe stood, his best friend pointing to the elevators to let him know they needed to get back to work. Nodding, Ben tucked the book back into his backpack, glancing to the door once more before withdrawing his flask, the whiskey warm and familiar as it made its way past his lips and down his throat.

Reaching out, Ben touched Rey's hand, his eyes glancing at her face again. "I'll see you tomorrow, Rey. Usual time. Sweet dreams."

This was his least favorite part of the day – leaving Rey so still and silent.

_Keep fighting, sweetheart. You need to wake up._

Ben let his silent plea drift between him and Rey, hoping somehow she would hear it as he walked out of the room.

"Let's go save some lives, Dameron," Ben smiled at Kayla, winking at her as she mouthed 'Usual time tomorrow?' to him. Giving her a nod in answer, Ben followed Poe to the elevators so they could head back to work.

…

Ben was bone-tired and ready to fall into bed when he remembered: today was his mother's birthday party, and if he forgot to show up, his sister would flay his skin from his body and then throw salt on him. That meant he wouldn't be able to go see Rey until later than usual.

"Damn it," he grumbled, pulling his phone off his nightstand as he sent a text to Kayla. She was his point of contact at the hospital, letting him know of Rey's condition daily, and also letting him know when the coast was clear of her family so he could come see her. Somehow, Ben knew that if Rey's brother and his girlfriend found out about a strange man reading to his sister, well, it wouldn't be good.

_-Kayla. Have a birthday party to go to tonight. Won't be there to see Rey until late. _Ben hit the button to send the text, his hand shaking slightly. Grabbing the glass of whiskey from its ever-present spot on his nightstand, Ben took a long swallow, his phone beeping with a text message as he drank.

_-OK, Ben. Try to have fun – if that's possible for you… you do know how to have fun, don't you?_ Ben rolled his eyes as he typed a response back to the nurse.

_-Very funny. See you later. I'll let you know when I am on my way._

...

Ben sat up five hours later in a cold sweat, his heart racing as he glanced at the clock. Taking in a deep breath as he realized that he still had an hour before his mother's birthday party, he reached out, grabbing the bottle of his bedside table and taking a long swallow before getting up and heading to the shower to get ready to deal with his family.

The beach was quiet as Ben walked along it a half hour later, his eyes on the sand and rocks as he searched for the perfect piece to add to his mother's collection. He had the same ritual since he was 5 for his mother's birthday. Ben would walk the beach, searching for the perfect little treasure to deposit into Leia's hands, knowing that her eyes would light up with love for her son as she thought about the effort and time he put into searching for something he thought she would like. Leia kept her collection of his gifts on the window sill of her office – a mismatched collection of shiny rocks, shells and bottles of sand and driftwood that represented her middle son.

And so it had been for the last twenty-three years. Ben's eyes stopped on a sand dollar, and he bent his tall frame over, plucking the delicate shell from the sand carefully. He had never found one whole before, and Ben knew this was the perfect gift to put in Leia's hand. With a not often seen smile, Ben turned and headed to his car.

...

"Ben!" His sister Jaina wrapped her arms around him, a smile on her face as she saw him standing in the doorway. "You're sober, right? Please tell me you're sober…"

With a smirk, Ben gave her the 'so-so' flip of his hand before pulling away and squeezing past her through the door, his brothers Anakin and Jacen coming over to greet him with shoulder bumps and insults. This was a typical family gathering in the Solo house, and Ben didn't expect anything less.

Moving across the room to where Han sat in a chair, a wistful half smile on his face as he watched his kids interacting, Ben gave his Dad a side hug before going to the decanter that always rested on the small bar, pouring a glass of whiskey for both himself and his Dad. Returning to Han's side, Ben handed one of the glasses to his father before tipping his glass towards him and winking, downing the contents in one swallow.

"Is Mom in her office?" Ben inquired softly, Han's answering nod all Ben needed before he turned and headed into Leia's office. She was sitting where she always sat, in her oversized office chair, typing away on her keyboard. Looking up, a smile lit up Leia's face as she saw her son enter the room.

"Ben, son! How are you?"

Standing, Leia crossed the room to Ben, her arms going around him for a long hug before she stepped back, one palm resting on his face briefly as she looked at him.

With a smile only Leia ever saw, Ben withdrew the sand dollar from the pocket of his jacket, where he had tucked it carefully after wrapping it in a bit of colorful tissue paper he had bought just for this occasion. Handing it to his mother, Ben leaned down and kissed his mother's cheek softly. "Happy Birthday, Momma."

Leia unwrapped the treasure, her eyes lighting up as she saw the sand dollar. "Oh, Ben, it's perfect, son! You've never gotten me one of these before!" She turned and went to the window behind her desk, placing her newest treasure amongst the others before turning and looking at Ben again.

"You look tired, Ben," she said softly. "Still not sleeping well?"

Ben had never been able to lie to Leia, so his eyes went to the floor as he shook his head, his hair shifting to cover his eyes with the movement. "No. I… you know why. I still have the dreams."

"Oh Ben," Leia said softly as she moved to stand before her son, her hand once more reaching out to cup his cheek gently. "It's been two years now, don't you think you should talk to someone? I know you'll never forget, but talking about it will help. Ben… you are so brilliant, and being a doctor is your calling. Talk to someone, get help, and go back to med school."

"Mom," Ben's voice was a soft groan as he finally brought his eyes up to meet hers. He knew he was a failure to his family. He was supposed to be Dr. Ben Solo, Cardiologist extraordinaire by now – and instead he was a pathetic drunk Paramedic who was barely holding his shit together.

All he saw in Leia's eyes was love though. She worried about him, his whole family did. They loved him, and all he did was let them down.

Maybe, though, Rey could be the one person who he wouldn't let down. She had to live, because if she died… Ben didn't want to even consider the possibility of that happening. Just the mere brief thought had his heart clenching with terror in his chest, and a lump in his throat threatening to cut off his air supply.

Leia was always observant when it came to her children, and her eyes narrowed slightly as she watched her middle son internally warring with himself. "Ben?" she said softly, her eyes showing the concern she felt.

Shaking his head, his eyes going back to the floor, Ben leaned in and kissed Leia's cheek softly. "Happy Birthday, Momma. I love you."

"Oh Ben, I love you too," Leia said softly as she watched him retreat from her office, the voices of her other son's ringing out across the living room as they jokingly insulted their brother.

…

Ben arrived at the hospital, his hands shaking violently as he put his car in park. He always tried to refrain from drinking when he was with his family. They knew he was an alcoholic, of course, yet he still wanted to shield them from it, somehow. He was already a disappointment to them, he didn't need to compound that even more by showing them how truly pathetic he had become. Taking his flask from his backpack, he drank from it deeply, feeling a sense of contentment as the alcohol seeped into his veins, soothing all the pain he felt inside. He knew it was all in his head – all the alcohol did was numb his senses and depress all his body systems – but damn if he didn't need the numbness so he didn't wallow in self pity and loathing.

If – _when_ – Rey woke up, would she see him as a pathetic drunk like everyone else did, or would she come to know him simply as Ben? He wasn't sure, but he wasn't willing to take the chance of her not knowing him in some capacity. She was helping him heal with every visit he made to her – and she'd probably never realize that.

Taking another swallow from his flask, Ben tucked it away into its pocket in his backpack before exiting the car and slinging the backpack over his shoulder. The hospital was its usual chaos, but it was a chaos that was soothing to Ben, because he understood that in the chaos, lives were being saved. It was organized chaos. It made sense.

_Code Blue. Room 223. Code Blue. Room 223._

The mechanical voice of the loudspeaker calling for a code barely registered to Ben as he entered the elevator to go to the second floor, until the room number was said.

_Room 223. That's Rey's room, NO!_

Ben's breath came in spurts now as he willed the elevator to move faster, and as it finally opened to admit him to the second floor, Ben's eyes were wide as he watched in horror as a team of doctors and nurses descended on Rey's room, a crash cart already pulled into the room.

Turning, Ben grabbed onto the railing of the hallway, closing his eyes and trying to keep his panic at bay. If Rey died, he would drink himself into oblivion and never come out of his home. He would essentially die with her, just like when…_ No, no, no… I can't think about __**her**__._

Sliding to the floor, Ben felt his control slipping, and he grabbed the flask out of his bag without caring if anyone saw him. Taking a swallow without opening his eyes, he tried to focus his energy into Rey's room, somehow.

_Fight, Rey. FIGHT. Damnit, I can't lose you. Please… I… I love you. Please don't die._


	4. Lord, what fools these mortals be!

_Don't die, don't die, don't die…_

Ben sat on the cold floor of the hospital, rocking back and forth, his eyes clenched tightly together. He refused to open them, because if he did, he would see what they were doing in Rey's room. He knew the routine like the back of his hand, of course – he and Poe had done it a million times in their work.

_Check for a pulse. Check for breathing. Initiate CPR. Push hard, push fast. 100 beats per minute. Check for a pulse. Check for breathing. Administer rescue breaths. Administer adenosine. Live… please, if there is a God out there, let her live…. Please!_

Ben felt hands on his arm, pulling him to his feet, and he opened his eyes to see Poe, his best friend saying something. All Ben could hear were the beeps of numerous machines, and as Poe pulled him down the hall towards the family lounge area, Ben opened his mouth, a low wail of anguish the only sound that came out.

As soon as Poe had him in the lounge, he pushed him down on one of the sofas, his voice low as he said, "Get it fucking together, Solo. You know damn well what Hux told you. If you fuck this up, he will kick your ass out of this hospital. You don't want that, do you? Because when Rey pulls through this – which she _will_ – she is gonna need you to read that stupid Shakespeare shit to her – _do you understand, Solo?_ Get. Your. Shit. Together."

Ben looked up, pulling in gasps of air as he looked at Poe. Tears were falling from his eyes unabashedly as he finally nodded, a hand coming up to swipe at his eyes. "I need a drink – where's my bag?"

Poe set his backpack down beside him on the sofa, his eyes softening a bit as he looked at Ben. "What are you gonna do when she wakes up, Ben? You don't want her to see some hopeless drunk, do you? You're better than that, man. We both know it. She's changed you."

Reaching into his bag for the flask he had somehow managed to put back in its pocket in the hallway, Ben twisted off the top with shaking fingers before he downed the last of its contents, sighing as the warmth enveloped him inside. "Yes, she has," Ben said finally, agreeing with Poe's last statement.

….

Dr. Armitage Hux was, thankfully, good at what he did. Looking at the monitors in the cramped ICU room, he was relieved to see his patient's blood pressure was once more stable and steady, and as he nodded his thanks to the nurses before he turned, striding from the room with an air of haughty confidence. Going to the computer reserved for the physician's, Hux typed out his follow up orders for the girl, looking up as Kayla Kenobi approached. By the look on her face, Hux already knew what she was going to say. "Solo is here, Nurse Kenobi. Is that what you were about to tell me?"

Kayla nodded, "He… he freaked out a little, but Poe has him in the east lounge. I… could you…"

Hux sighed before looking over his shoulder at the pretty nurse. "Yes, Kayla, I'll go talk to him. Thank you."

….

Entering the east lounge a moment later, Hux stopped in the doorway, piercing green eyes catching those of Poe Dameron first, before going to the man slumped in a chair beside him, his large hands covering his face as he tried to hide the fact he was sobbing uncontrollably. Tilting his head to the door to indicate Poe should leave them for a few moments, Hux waited until the paramedic had left before he pulled a chair over, positioning it so he was sitting directly in front of Ben.

"Solo," he said, softly at first. He doubted Ben would hear him, so he sat for another moment before shaking his head and reaching out, slapping one of Ben's hands away from his face.

"Solo, you blathering idiot! Get yourself together!"

Ben had been so lost in his misery, he hadn't even noticed Hux entering the room. Red rimmed eyes looked up as his hand was slapped away from his face, and he ran a hand over his eyes, trying to clear the tears away enough to see Hux.

"Is.. Is she… gone?" Ben asked softly, cold fear creeping into his veins icily.

Letting out a sigh, Hux replied after a moment. "No. She's alive and stabilized. Her EKG came back normal. We're not sure what caused the cardiac arrest. Solo… what exactly do you expect to accomplish with this fool's project of yours? We both know she looks like Sarah… what happens when she wakes up? If she wakes up? Do you expect her to just love you? Ride off into the sunset with you? What?"

Ben looked at Armitage for a moment, his gaze dropping to the floor after that. His shoulders shrugged lightly as he finally answered. "I don't know. I just know I need to do this, Armie. It helps. With dealing with… things. I don't drink as much because I have seeing her every day to look forward to."

Hux leaned forward finally, setting a hand on Ben's shoulder and squeezing lightly. "I understand, to some extent, Ben. You know, I can't say that I wouldn't do the same if our situations were reversed. I loved her too. I can't imagine your pain. Just, think about something for me, if you could – preferably when you are sober. Would she want this for you, or would she rather you be doing what you are supposed to be doing? Get yourself sober, Solo – not for some comatose woman who doesn't even know you – but for her. For Sarah. For yourself. Then go back to med school. It's what she would have wanted. Meanwhile, I'll work on keeping your little project alive." Standing, Hux turned and left the room, leaving Ben alone with his sorrow and regret.

….

"Ben," Poe stepped back into the room after a few minutes, two cups of coffee in hand for them. "Her, um, her family is here. We should go." Poe watched his best friend, struggling internally with all the emotions inside. He knew that Ben had dropped out of med school in his second year after something happened – even his family was mum on that particular subject. But they had all told him one thing – Ben would have been a brilliant doctor. Poe knew the brilliance residing in Ben's brain – the man was smarter than anyone Poe had ever met.

So why was he pissing it all away with alcohol, working as a Paramedic? Not that Ben was a bad Paramedic – Poe wouldn't want to have anyone else as a partner. But why – when he could be so much more?

"C'mon, Solo. We'll go to the bar. Get piss drunk. Kayla has to work a double, so I guess I won't be getting any tonight. Why not spend it getting drunk with my best friend? Besides… she's alive, Ben, and she's gonna stay that way. She's gotta be one hell of a woman, to fight as hard as she is just so she can wake up and finally see your ugly mug, right?" Poe punched Ben's shoulder lightly, and as his best friend looked up at him, a ghost of a smile came to Ben's lips.

"Yeah, guess so. Let's go get drunk," Ben said lightly. He needed to forget everything for a night.

….

The brunette slid into Ben's lap, her lips pouting as she looked at him. "You look sad, Benny," she cooed softly, one of her hands drifting to his hair to push back the shock of black waves. "Maybe I could help," she purred softly, leaning in to breathe her next word against her earlobe. "I've wanted to take you home for a long time now. Come home with me?"

Ben looked at her, bringing the glass of whiskey to his lips and draining it in one swallow. "Go away," he said in a low growl, pushing her off his lap easily. At one time – before Rey – he would have taken her up on her offer, spending the rest of the night in her bed. But saving Rey's life had changed so much for him. Ben knew it sounded crazy to everyone who knew – hell, it sounded crazy to him, as well. All he knew was that he needed to see Rey, needed to touch her hand and read to her. It was cathartic for him, her presence somehow filled a void in him that nothing else could – not even alcohol.

Looking over at Poe, who was hustling a game of pool from an equally drunk person, Ben shook his head slightly, downing the shot of tequila that someone had set in front of him. When someone tapped him on the shoulder rather roughly, it took his inebriated mind a few seconds to register, and Ben turned slowly, eyes blearily taking in the sight of an angry looking forty something man who looked as if he had eaten one too many burrito in his life. "What the fuck do you want?" Ben said, his words slurring as he looked the man over.

"That's my girl," the man said, his sneering lips sending a drop of spittle spraying on Ben's arm. With a snort, Ben wiped his arm off on his jeans before looking up at the man, one brow rising as he responded, "Well, she's a whore then. I fucked her through the mattress about a month ago. You may wanna rethink your relationship status, man. Want me to buy you a beer to celebrate your newfound freedom?"

Ben started to turn to order a round of drinks when the punch came, sending him flying off his barstool, his shoulder and arm erupting in pain as they hit the hard concrete floor first. "Son of a bitch!" he replied before starting to laugh hysterically, using the nearest person's leg to pull himself up to a sitting position. He could taste the blood in his mouth, so he spit what he could to the floor before taking someone's offered hand, standing to his full height and looking at the man again. "She's not worth it, man. Really. She's not even a good lay."

Shuffling back a step as Ben saw the man start forward, he raised his hands, trying to remember all the self defense moves he had learned when his Mom had insisted he and his brothers try out karate when they were in grade school. Jace and Anakin would have already kicked the man's ass, but Ben – well, he'd always been a lover, not a fighter.

The thought running through his brain was somehow funny to him, and so Ben started to laugh harder, doubling over at the thought. Here he was, about to get punched again, and he was pondering how he was a lover.

The next punch caught him on the jaw, driving his teeth together painfully and making him see stars. Still, Ben laughed, even as he fell backwards against the bar, the back of his head knocking hard against the wood. The man didn't give him a chance to stand back up, but instead moved forward, his fists pummeling him over and over again, until there was nothing.

….

Ben came to in the back of an ambulance, still laughing like someone had told some hilarious joke that only he got. Poe's face swam over him, and Ben snorted as he tried to find some semblance of control so he could speak.

"Jesus, Solo, do you know what your BAC is?" Poe asked his best friend, his eyes full of both concern and amusement at the night's events.

"Too damn much," Ben finally said between snorts, his laughs now turning into giggles.

"Jesus, Ben, what did you say to that guy to piss him off?" Poe raised a brow at Ben, shaking his head softly.

"Told him his girlfriend was a whore and that I fucked her stupid last month," Ben replied, his giggles causing him to wince as the pain from his injuries demanded penance.

"Wait, what?" Poe tried to wrack his brain for that particular memory, coming up empty. He would have known if Ben had brought a bar rat home.

Ben started giggling harder now, the paramedic in charge of cleaning him up now shaking his head at his patient. "I'd never met her before tonight. She wanted to take me home but I told her to go away…" Ben's breath was coming in short spurts now, around the drunken giggles he couldn't stop if he'd wanted to.

….

A hairline fracture to the bone in his jaw, thirteen staples to his head, five stitches below his eyes, and a police escort home later, Ben sat in his living room, his hands shaking as both the pan medication and the alcohol wore off. Reaching to his end table, Ben started his usual routine – pouring himself another glass of whiskey.

Tomorrow was a new day, of course – and maybe Rey would wake up and he wouldn't be a drunk anymore.

Maybe.


	5. reason and love keep little company

_**5 Years Earlier**_

_**Chandrila University**_

"_Solo, you fucking bloody prat, you're telling me you got a 528 on the MCAT? That's bloody impossible, especially from the likes of someone like you-" Armitage Hux looked at his best friend incredulously, disbelief showing in his clear blue eyes. They walked between the Science Center and the Theater Building on their way to their next lecture, and Ben couldn't help the extra bit of swagger that was in his stride today. He had gotten the highest score possible on the entrance exams for med school, a feat that few could ever manage, and seeing the look on Hux's face when Ben showed him the score on his phone had been priceless. His best friend was incensed – and had only gotten a 518 on the exam._

"_Indeed, Hux, indeed I did get THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE SCORE on the MCAT," Ben smirked as he teased the ginger, barely registering the warm body that was bolting through the throng of students trying to get to their next class._

_Until that body crashed into him and fell backwards, sending a hot torrent of coffee from Ben's cup onto his shirt, where it spread into a dark brown stain as he stopped, only waiting a moment before reaching down with one hand to offer help to the person who was now sitting on their ass on the sidewalk, their backpack on the ground beside them._

"_I am so sorry, oh my gosh, I was... well, I just got the email on my phone about my MCAT results, and I wasn't paying attention…" A pair of green eyes peered up at him, set in the face of the most beautiful woman Ben had ever laid eyes on. Reaching up, she took Ben's proffered hand, her hand tiny and cool in his as he helped her to her feet._

"_How'd you do?" Ben asked curiously. He didn't recognize her, and most premed students were all acquainted with each other since they had the same classes._

_The woman looked at him in surprise as she stood, and as she reached down and retrieved her backpack Ben couldn't help but notice the flush that crept onto her face. "Oh, um, I got a 520."_

_Ben looked over at Hux, the corners of his lips lifting into a smirk as he looked at his best friend, raising his eyebrows as if to say 'This girl beat you, Hux, you bloody wanker.' Looking back at the woman, who had now straightened herself out and had her backpack looped over one shoulder, Ben smiled before shaking her hand and then dropping it – although reluctantly on his part. "I don't recognize you. You don't go to Chandrila, do you? I'm premed as well, so is my ginger friend, Hux." Ben pointed a thumb at Hux, who gave the woman a tight smile, his cheeks turning pink as he did so._

_The woman looked between the two men before smiling at them both. "I just transferred in. I was already planning on applying to med school here, so it's a good thing. I'm Sarah, by the way. Sarah Lake."_

"_I'm Ben. Ben Solo. And the pale, red man behind me is one Armitage Hux. He's currently flustered because both you and I got higher scores on the MCAT than he did. You understand why he may seem… grumpy…" Ben grinned at Sarah, knowing that Hux was glowering at him currently, and once they got back to the apartment tonight, Armie would completely give him one of his lectures about how he was lacking tact and how improper he acted in public._

….

Ben woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed as the alarm on his cell played _Welcome To The Jungle_ at top volume. "Fuck," he grumbled, as he flopped back onto his pillow, one arm stretched over his head as he thought about how very much he wanted to go back to the dream he had been having. Glancing at the date, Ben groaned, wanting to drink himself into a stupor until the clock hit midnight and it was a new day – any day but _this_ day.

_No wonder I was dreaming about her,_ Ben thought to himself before sitting up, his hand reaching for his whiskey bottle. After downing three glasses, he felt well enough to get up, knowing that if he was late for his shift again Holdo would chew his ass for an hour solid. She was already pissed about having her best Paramedic working with a face that looked like Mike Tyson had taken his rage out on him.

Ben scratched absentmindedly at his stitches for a moment as he gazed in the mirror above his bathroom sink. He could do this, he had done it last year, and he could do it again this year. It was just a day, after all, just a twenty-four hour period in his life. But Ben knew, intimately, how slow today would move for him, how every day that had once meant something to he and Sarah now moved so slowly it was like a day lasted a year, and how he wished with everything in him that he didn't have to spend it alone. At least he had one tiny glimmer of good to look forward to – reading to Rey on his lunch break.

It only took him a few minutes to throw on his uniform and head out the door – after downing two more glasses of whiskey. When he sauntered into work fifteen minutes early, he felt good, like he could make it through the day – no matter how long it seemed.

"Solo – Holdo wants to see you and Dameron before your shift," Kaydal Konnix, one of the other Paramedics, accosted Ben as soon as he walked into the building. "She doesn't look happy, man. What the hell did you do?" Ben just shrugged at her, trying to think of just what he or Poe had done that would have set their boss off. Nothing came to mind, so he headed to her office, finding his partner already waiting to go in. Poe just shrugged at him, clearly not able to figure out what they might be in trouble for either.

"Not only do you look like you went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson, but I got a complaint from a patient's wife," Amilyn Holdo said, shoving a sheet of paper across the desk so that both men could see. "She said you told her to 'Get the hell out of the way', and that your 'eyes looked like he had been drinking'. Come on, Ben, I know you're a good Paramedic, in fact, you're my _best_ Paramedic – no offense, Poe." Holdo looked over at Poe and gave him a tight smile before continuing on, "I also know that you like to drink, Ben. I just need you to tell me what happened with this patient, and also that you were not drinking on shift."

Ben shrugged as he glanced down at the paper, which was filled with Holdo's flowing script. "He was having issues with his heart, his EKG showed he was going into A-Fib. His wife was getting in the way as we were trying to treat him, and I got a bit snippy when she tried to pull a lead off. I'm sorry that she was offended – but her husband is alive and well, instead of dead. And no, Amilyn, I don't drink when I am working. You know that."

"Look, Ami," Poe ran a hand through his hair, looking at Ben before turning his gaze back to their boss. "You know damn well I wouldn't work with Ben if he was drinking on my rig. And I remember this patient. Ben was right in telling her to move. It was hour twenty of our shift, we were tired. Of course our eyes would be a bit glazed over and red. This complaint is bullshit."

Holdo looked between both men for a long moment, finally nodding and pulling the sheet of paper back in front of her. "Alright, then. I believe you. I'll let Mrs. Netal know that I've taken care of this. Have a good shift, gentleman."

Ben and Poe both stood at the same time, and Poe gave Ben a look that clearly meant Ben owed him one for covering for him again. Using two fingers to give his boss a jaunty salute as they left the room, Ben waited until they were inside their rig before looking at Poe. "Thanks, man."

"Solo, seriously, when are you gonna get your shit together? Look, man, I'm your best friend here, and I care about you. You're the fucking smartest person I have ever met, but you're throwing it out the fucking window, man. You need to stop drinking. Go back to med school, Ben, seriously. Get your shit together. I can't keep covering for you like this." Poe looked over at Ben as he pulled their rig out onto the streets of Hanna City. He would always have Ben's back, but Poe also knew that Ben's family was fed up – and their methods of handling his addiction wouldn't be welcomed – or pleasant – for Ben. So, they had asked him to try and talk some sense into him. Sometimes, Poe thought Ben was listening, and then he would pull that damn flask out of his backpack, and Poe would know he still hadn't gotten through to him.

Ben looked out the window of the rig as the familiar buildings of Hanna City zipped by, letting out a sigh as Poe decided to start lecturing him. Today, of all days, Ben just wanted to be left alone in his memories and misery.

….

_**5 Years Earlier**_

"_You look nice," Sarah said as she opened the door to her apartment. She looked beautiful, of course, with her sun-kissed skin, the simple green dress she had chosen to wear bringing out the color in her eyes. Ben still found it hard to believe she had said yes when he asked her out to dinner two days ago – but he was thankful she had agreed._

_He had wanted to make a good impression so badly, he had enlisted his sister's help. Jaina had picked out the green sweater and casual slacks he was wearing, and as Ben looked at Sarah, he smiled, holding out the small bouquet of flowers he had bought for her._

"_Thanks, you look stunning," Ben replied as he watched a blush color her cheeks as she took the flowers from him. He took a moment to look around her apartment as she excused herself to put the flowers in water, and as she returned to the room, he offered her another smile._

"_Are you ready to go?" Ben asked softly, offering her his arm._

"_I am," Sarah said before taking his arm, her smile soft as she looked at him again._

….

"SOLO! Have you even heard a word I said?" Poe looked over at Ben, throwing a hand up in frustration. Clearly, Ben hadn't been listening, because if he had, he would have told Poe to fuck off by now, or denied he even had a problem like he normally did.

Ben looked at Poe, running a hand through his hair as he realized he had allowed himself to get lost in the memory of he and Sarah's first date. Heaving a sigh, Ben licked his lips before speaking. "I know my Mom told you about Sarah," Ben said softly, looking at Poe with a sideways glance.

Poe eyed Ben briefly before nodding his head. "Yeah, she did, man," Poe said softly. _Shit. This can't be good._

Ben's jaw worked for a long moment as he struggled to keep his composure, and when he finally looked at Poe, his friend could see the raw pain in his red-rimmed eyes. "Five years ago today was our first date. Yeah. It's a hard day, so excuse me if I act like I'm far away, Poe. I'm trying my best to get through it."

"Yeah," Poe said softly, shelving the lecture he had been giving Ben for a later date. If he tried to talk to Ben about his drinking today, all he would do is piss his best friend off – and that would accomplish nothing. He knew Leia and Ben's siblings had some kind of plan for today, and Poe doubted it was going to be a plan that Ben would like. Everyone was worried about him though – and he needed help. More help than reading Shakespeare to a comatose woman could ever give him.

Ben continued to stare out the window, heaving a sigh as his thoughts went back to 5 years prior. He had known he was going to marry Sarah their first date. In fact, he had spent most of their date imagining how she would look in her wedding dress, walking down the aisle towards him. From that day forward, Ben Solo had never loved anyone else. Until now, at least he thought he loved Rey. Somewhere in his alcohol muddled mind, Ben saw Rey waking up and looking at him, her eyes shining as she somehow recognized him from the time he spent reading to her.

She looked just like Sarah, and, he surmised, her lips would feel like Sarah's when they kissed for the first time.

….

**5 Years Earlier**

"_I had a really good time tonight, Ben."_

_They were standing outside the door to her apartment, a styrofoam box of food that was left over from her dinner in her hand, her eyes shining brightly at him in the dim light of the hallway. He wanted to kiss her so badly, and so he leaned in, pressing his lips to hers softly._

_Luckily, she didn't pull away – instead, she kissed him back._

_Exercising every bit of self control that he had, Ben finally pulled away, smiling at her as he asked in his deep baritone voice, "Can we do this again? Soon?"_

_She graced him with another one of her bright smiles, nodding as she reached out to open her apartment door. "Yes, sooner rather than later, I hope. See you tomorrow in lab?"_

_Ben nodded, and as she closed the door, he knew she had him – hook, line and sinker._

….

"Ben?"

Poe stood in the doorway of Rey's room, looking at his partner as Ben reached out to touch Rey's hand softly. It was the same routine every day for Ben, and Poe wasn't sure if it was helping his best friend, or doing more damage to his already delicate psyche. It certainly wasn't healthy, but Poe didn't honestly know what to do for Ben at this point in time.

At least he wasn't drinking quite as much as he used to. At least he had something to look forward to every day. That had to mean something – didn't it?

Still, Poe didn't look forward to the day Rey woke up. What if she was someone completely different than the person Ben imagined her to be? What if she found his actions creepy?

What ifs were all Ben had right now, sadly enough, because Rey's condition hadn't changed.

"I'm coming," Ben answered Poe as he squeezed Rey's hand softly. "Bye, sunshine. Sweet dreams."

….

The last thing Ben had wanted to see when he got to his house the next morning after his shift was his mother's car parked in the driveway. All he truly wanted to do was drink until he fell asleep, until he had to get up for work again. Instead, he would have to deal with his Mom and her incessant worry about his 'habit', as she liked to call it.

Hefting a sigh as he pulled his car into the garage and hit the button to close the garage door, Ben exited his car, taking a long swallow from his ever-present flask before he walked inside to face the one woman firing squad.

He opened the door leading into his house to find, not only his mother, but also his father, his sister and his brothers waiting for him in his living room. Looking around, Ben shook his head before mumbling, "If this is your idea of a fucking intervention, leave your stupid letters on the table and get the fuck out. I don't need this bullshit today."

Leia stood, drawing herself up to her full height as she glared at her middle son. "Benning Lucas Solo, you will NOT use that language with me, and you WILL listen to us. Now, come in here and sit down."

Ben sighed before muttering, "Yes, Momma," and settling into his favorite chair. He caught Han's eye, and his father turned up one corner of his mouth at him, shrugging slightly with one shoulder. Typical, Han Solo standing idly by as his wife dictated what would happen in her children's lives.

"Thank you, Ben," Leia said, sitting back down in a chair next to Han.

"Ben," his sister Jaina said softly, her eyes sad as she looked at her brother, "Look, we know you've had a hard time coping since… you know."

Ben looked at his sister, his voice cold and devoid of feeling as he said, "Since the love of my life died from cancer? Since my reason for living was ripped from my life? Why don't you just say it, Jai? Do you think I don't think about it every minute of every day? You are all fucking idiots. It's _all_ I think about, except for…"

Ben let his words trail off before he said _…except for the time I spend with Rey._ No, that was his time, and it was so intimate and private that Ben couldn't – wouldn't – articulate it to his family. "…Except for when I'm drunk or asleep."

"BENNING, do NOT talk to your sister – or anyone else – in that manner!" Leia stood once more, her eyes narrowing at her son. Han, Jacen and Anakin sat quietly, knowing better than to move a muscle during this showdown, lest either woman turn their ire towards them.

"Sorry," Ben murmured, looking at both his sister and his mother for a moment before letting his gaze go to the tan carpet of his living room. He needed a drink desperately, but somehow he doubted pulling out his flask right now would go over well.

"Ben, look at me. Please," Leia said softly, and so Ben turned his eyes up to his mother's. Pride and a mother's love shone within their depths, making Ben feel like even more of a fuck up. She deserved better than having a son like him. "Ben, we know Sarah's death was hard on you. We all loved her, and it was hard on us too." Leia crossed the small room to stand before her middle son now, reaching out with an aging hand to touch his cheek softly. "You need help, my precious boy. You're in pain, and no one in this room can help you. We've tried. So," Leia bent down to kiss Ben's cheek before withdrawing back to the chair she had been sitting in before continuing, "while you were at work, we took the liberty of coming in and confiscating all the liquor in your house. Yes, Ben, even the stuff you thought you hid in case something like this ever happened."

Ben's eyes flashed as the anger rose inside him. How _dare_ they do this to him? His jaw worked, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as he tried to keep the anger inside, because if he exploded right now, it would be like nuclear winter, and no one here would escape the aftermath. Instead, his fists clenched and unclenched over and over, his eyes narrow and filled with fury as his mother kept talking.

"I've made an appointment for you with Maz," Leia continued, watching as her son struggled to keep himself together with the knowledge that he was going to have to face his feelings without the numbing effects of alcohol. "She is booked solid, but for me – for you – she made time this morning. We're all staying here until then, and I will drive you over. Ben, if you do this, if you talk to Maz, we'll give you your stuff back. Some of it, anyways, enough to keep you from going into withdrawal. Just, please, Benny, please? We all love you, none of us want this for you."

Ben's jaw worked for another moment, before he finally spoke, his voice low and full of pain. "I wish I had died along with her. I just want to be free from this pain. I…" Sinking back into his chair, Ben ran a hand through his hair before waving a hand in defeat. "Fine. One session with Maz. One, Mom, I mean it."

Leia's face lit up with a smile, and she once more stood, crossing the room to Ben and leaning down just enough to wrap her arms around him in a hug. "Thank you, my precious boy. Thank you."

….

Dr. Maz Kanata had been a friend of his Mom and Dad's since well before any of the Solo children had been born, and as Ben was ushered into her office by a bored-looking receptionist, the short, older woman eyed him from behind thick glasses, a smile drifting onto her face as she sat in a comfortable-looking chair behind a large wooden desk.

"Benning Solo! It's so good to see you, my dear! Please, have a seat. Let's have a chat!" Ben mumbled a greeting before sliding into the overstuffed chair that sat in front of the desk. While he had known Maz his whole life, he hated being in her office. The woman had a way of pulling truths out of him that he didn't care to reveal, and he knew his mother had already talked to her old friend about his issues.

"Yesterday was a hard day for you. Memories… as sweet as they can be, it's easy to get lost in them, child. Lost in the past. Perhaps the answers you seek, dear one, lie not in the past… but in the future. You feel lost, do you not?" Maz sat forward in her chair, eyeing Ben through her thick glasses.

Swallowing thickly, Ben nodded. It was no use lying to her, Maz could tell when someone was not being truthful. She called it a gift, Ben called it a good reason to keep his distance from her. "I… I should have died with her. Sarah," Ben said, his voice barely more than a whisper in the stillness of the room. "Y-Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of our first date. Normally, we would go back to the same restaurant to celebrate." Ben shrugged. "Obviously not now."

"Dear child," Maz said, standing and coming around the desk before laying a veiny hand on Ben's wrist. "What would your beautiful Sarah have wanted for you? Your mother has said you are drinking a lot. She tells me that if you don't drink, you start to have withdrawals. Do you think your love would have wanted this for you, dear boy? You have a brilliant mind, Benning Solo. I know this, I have known you your entire life. You were always the curious boy, asking questions and reading almost before you could walk. We all knew you would be a great success in whatever you decided to do with your life. Medicine… it's in your blood, in your soul. Don't you think dear Sarah would want you to become a doctor like you had planned?" Maz patted his hand before turning and returning to her chair, where she sat and eyed Ben once more. "So, you feel angry at the world, am I correct? Angry that she was taken from you?"

"Yes," Ben said after a long silence, his fists clenching and unclenching as he tried to stay calm. He refused to look at Maz, instead keeping his eyes focused on the patterned rug, his jaw working furiously as he fought back tears.

"You need to focus your anger then, since we can't bring her back. You know that, right, Ben? This… patient. The girl at the hospital – yes, we know about her – you know that she is not a replacement for Sarah, right?" Maz said quietly, looking at Ben.

It seemed to Ben as if all the air was sucked out of the room at the mention of Rey, his focus narrowing into a red haze as he breathed in heavily over and over, trying to keep himself calm and failing. "None of you have a clue about her. I'm not talking about this. In fact, this session is over. Have a nice day, _Dr. Kanata_," Ben bit out his words curtly, standing and biting his bottom lip to try and keep the anger buried deep inside, where it should stay. While he wanted to tear everything in the room to shreds, he settled on slamming the door behind him, semi-satisfied at hearing the glass in the windows rattle in the aftermath.

His rage was still barely contained as he stalked back to his mother's car, bypassing it and continuing to walk down the sidewalk towards his house. It was a long walk – about two miles – but Ben needed the time to himself. He needed to think, to decompress – and to be left alone. His mother obviously had a different idea, because she pulled her car into the parking lot of a store ahead of him, and as he approached, Leia stood in the middle of the sidewalk, her arms crossed over her chest and her feet planted firmly, her eyes narrowed in anger.

"Ben," she said as he approached.

Ben stepped around her, continuing to walk as he threw the first words that came to his mind over his shoulder at her, "Fuck off."

"She's not a replacement for Sarah, Ben. I've been in to see her, you know. Sure, she looks like Sarah – but she's not her. You know that, right?" Leia said, loud enough for her retreating son to hear. "What if she wakes up, Ben, and she doesn't want you? What are you going to do then?"

At his mother's revelation, Ben stopped, biting his bottom lip to try and control the rage. He could feel it coming to the surface – he had never been good at controlling it. His mother referred to it as him being 'passionate', but Ben knew that was her way of coping with the fact that he was a self-loathing loner asshole, and had always been one. "Don't ever mention her again. And don't you ever set foot in her hospital room again, do you understand, Mother? I will cut you all off. I've done it before for lesser reasons. Do you understand?"

"Oh, Ben… we're just worried about you. Don't you see that?" Leia said softly, the sound of the traffic whizzing by almost making it impossible to hear.

Ben turned, stalking the distance between he and his mother in no time at all before he looked at her, the anger he was feeling inside evident in his gaze. "You always worry about me. Or, do you worry about what your fuck up of a son will do? Are you worried you'll have to send me away again, Mom, for my own good? Like you did when I was fifteen? Were you worried about me then, or worried you wouldn't get re-elected as District Attorney? I'm twenty-eight, Mom, not fifteen. I'll see who I want, when I want to. And when I get back to my house, my stuff better be there. I held my end of the bargain." Ben turned once more, headed on his original path home. Behind him, he heard his mother start sobbing.

He couldn't care less that he'd hurt her.

She'd hurt him too.

….

Ben arrived home later that day, aching, tired and shaking from withdrawal. He breathed a sigh of relief when his house came into view, the lack of cars in his driveway indicating that his family had gone home. He had drained his flask in the first half mile of his walk, hoping that would tide him over until he got home.

His hands were shaking so badly that pulling his keys out of his pocket was a feat, and fitting the key in the lock took a solid five minutes of concentration, beads of sweat collecting on his forehead as he fought with his own body to allow him the dexterity to complete what was normally a simple task.

Once inside, he was relieved to see the familiar bottles – some of them, anyways – sitting on his counter, along with enough takeout food to last him for a week. He crossed the room at breakneck speed considering how shaky he was, almost tripping on the throw rug in his kitchen as he reached for his whiskey bottle. As soon as the liquid hit his throat though, Ben sighed, letting the warm, familiar burn calm his nerves and his anger.

Settling into his favorite chair with his bottles of whiskey and a glass, Ben flipped through the tv channels until he found something mildly interesting to watch as he got drunk.

He woke five hours later to the sound of his phone chiming on the end table. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Ben picked up the device, staring blearily at it for a moment before the words of the text message from Kayla registered in his brain.

_Kayla Ben! Rey… she moved her hand today! Dr. Hux says her EEG is showing a spike in brain activity! Just thought you should know!_

And, for the first time in days, Ben smiled.


End file.
